Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Chapter 8: Alone (and other current events).

"My darling," she said at last, "are you sure you don't mind being a mouse for the rest of your life?"
"I don't mind at all," I said, "it doesn't matter who you are or what you look like so long as somebody loves you."

-- Roald Dahl, The Witches

I a reading Inkheart right now which prefaces each of the chapters with a quote from a childrens story or fairy tale. I particularly love this one, and all the quotes make me want to read young fiction.

I feel that I am rapidly approaching several major crossroads in my life where I need to make choices that I feel completely unprepared for. And that's my fault. I didn't get immediate of easy answers to my problems and pulled away from my relationship with my Heavenly Father and I know that has only made me more lost. I'm trying to sort it out, but if you get the opportunity, please remind me of the things I should be doing. In a way I'd like to fast forward to a life of "stability", but in my heart I know that things are only going to get harder.

Sunday afternoon my parents got into the first real fight I've ever heard. It honestly scared me. I was about to leave my room and head for the bathroom when I heard my mother raging. My mother is a very patient woman and hardly ever gets mad, but every once and a while she loses control, and this was her out of control voice. The argument was about some remodeling, something relatively insignificant. I stood in my room with the door cracked so I couldn't see them in the kitchen, but i could imagine my dad standing in the doorway nodding sympathetically and saying very little as my mother yelled from the stove where she was stirring pinto beans in a giant silver soup pot for dinner.
I felt bad for my dad who was calmly trying to work things out, but also understand how frustrating reason can be when you just feel like yelling. My mom concluded the conversation by stating how she was hungry, tired, and did't want to talk about it anymore. Then after pausing for a moment my Dad asks what he can do to help and my mom yells, "Just leave me alone! Get away from me!" I imagine her angrily shooing Dad out of the kitchen as the kitchen door slams shut. That part, the part where my mom is yelling is the part that replays over and over in my head in a cliche way that I hate.
I've never heard my parents talk to each other that way. Of course they get frustrated with each other, but they are both pretty laid back and seem to get over it pretty easily. After that I slipped out of the house and spent the whole rest of the day away from the house. It wasn't that I didn't want to hear them fight, but I knew they would act like everything was fine around us and I didn't want to be there.

Things have been volatile between me and my parents lately anyway. It's hard because for the most part we like being together as (semi?) adults, but when they see something that bothers them they feel like they have to reel me in, and i don't take it well.

To end things on a somewhat happy note I'd like to say that I hope I always live by the sea. I love the coastal mystique Newport holds and would love to go back very soon. I also love love love sea lions, Although I will never know why they aren't called "sea bears".

And here I will stand: straddling the line between the real and the ideal.

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