Today

I'm not sure what sparked it, but I can only imagine there were a multiplicity of reasons. But today at work I felt the familiar sensation of a sandbag on my chest. My breath became rapid and I was as jittery as if I had stayed up all night. It took me back to a summer afternoon over a year ago where I sat outside a park in my car. The feeling had overpowered me and I was crying and listening to "At Last" by Neko Case, over and over again, but only really hearing the last line.

I know every bell that tolls me.

Then I was afraid of this bell and it took me a long time to figure out what the tolling meant, but now faced with a different bell.

And I wonder if I'm supposed to stay where I am, or leap into the unknown.