Results of recent performance tests have alerted us to a problem-- some of our models aren't opening properly, and some failed to open at all. As even malfunctions due to lack of routine maintenance are covered under the warranty, the following remedies have been implemented:
1. A Restatement of Safety Precautions
Avoid placing hearts and minds in close proximity to dogma. It can short-circuit empathy and Love's pandemonium, and cause interference with thought.
2. An Addendum to Previous Cleaning Instructions
Regularly blow out the intake valves to reduce these preventable hazards: dust, rust, miserliness, poor circulation, habitual constriction, never having heard Beau Jocque play accordion or Coltrane's recording of A Love Supreme; or the other day in Santa Monica, for instance, two tourists stood face to face with the Pacific. One of them said to the other, "Well... I thought it would be bigger." That sort of thing.
3. In the event that there's still no improvement, sign and return the form provided. Such hearts, and minds will be replaced free of charge in three to six days upon receipt.
-- Rob Carney, Weather Report
I am having such a hard time not being self-conscious about my writing when I read amazing writing like this and wonder what more could I contribute?? If you are in Provo you should go see Rob Carney speak in the English Dept. reading series on Friday at noon.