Today

I'm not sure what sparked it, but I can only imagine there were a multiplicity of reasons. But today at work I felt the familiar sensation of a sandbag on my chest. My breath became rapid and I was as jittery as if I had stayed up all night. It took me back to a summer afternoon over a year ago where I sat outside a park in my car. The feeling had overpowered me and I was crying and listening to "At Last" by Neko Case, over and over again, but only really hearing the last line.

I know every bell that tolls me.

Then I was afraid of this bell and it took me a long time to figure out what the tolling meant, but now faced with a different bell.

And I wonder if I'm supposed to stay where I am, or leap into the unknown.

You want to know why I'm self-conscious??

PRODUCT RECALL NOTICE: HEARTS AND MINDS

Results of recent performance tests have alerted us to a problem-- some of our models aren't opening properly, and some failed to open at all. As even malfunctions due to lack of routine maintenance are covered under the warranty, the following remedies have been implemented:

1. A Restatement of Safety Precautions

Avoid placing hearts and minds in close proximity to dogma. It can short-circuit empathy and Love's pandemonium, and cause interference with thought.

2. An Addendum to Previous Cleaning Instructions

Regularly blow out the intake valves to reduce these preventable hazards: dust, rust, miserliness, poor circulation, habitual constriction, never having heard Beau Jocque play accordion or Coltrane's recording of A Love Supreme; or the other day in Santa Monica, for instance, two tourists stood face to face with the Pacific. One of them said to the other, "Well... I thought it would be bigger." That sort of thing.

3. In the event that there's still no improvement, sign and return the form provided. Such hearts, and minds will be replaced free of charge in three to six days upon receipt.

-- Rob Carney, Weather Report

I am having such a hard time not being self-conscious about my writing when I read amazing writing like this and wonder what more could I contribute?? If you are in Provo you should go see Rob Carney speak in the English Dept. reading series on Friday at noon.

Today I wore this outfit. Except most of the day, except at work, I was wearing my black military pea coat on top. I got lots of compliments and that made me feel so pretty. In fact the girl who checked my books out at the library even waived my fine. Who knows if that had any correlation with her love of my outfit. Watch out busy week; here I come!

Also, today at the L&F I got a high five from a cool Korean and another Asian came in and said he was looking for what sounded like his "pancakes" I don't think I blogged about this, but last week I had a phone encounter where I thought I guy was looking for his lost "cheese" when really he was saying keys. It was really funny/embarrassing. Apparently I DO learn from my mistakes because I knew he probably really wasn't looking for pancakes so I asked him to repeat what he was looking for. Again he said "pancakes." I probably looked really confused so he elaborated, "You know? a case for pens?" He was saying "pen case" but you should have heard it, really sounded like pancakes. Over&Out.

Ps. As I child I could never get the picture puzzles that you have to go cross-eyed for because I can't cross them all the way. I even went to

the doctors because they thought it was the source of the migraines I used to get, and they wanted me to practice crossing my eyes everyday. Today I tried again and also attempted to capture the moment. I am feeling very tempted by the fact that its about as much to buy an imac as

a macbook pro.

Attempt #1

Attempt # 2

Attempt # 3

Now my head hurts.

Weekend Crafting

This weekend I was inspired to make a wreath for our front door to replace the hand-drawn "God Bless America" sign. Not that I'm not patriotic, but those kind of signs always seem to make me feel uneasy, perhaps it's from my left-leaning socio-cutural paradigm that makes alarms screaming "zealot!" go off. Or maybe just my bad experiences with the kind of people who overuse those signs (read: conservative Christians who love America but hate Mormons). Either way, I was mostly looking for some creative outlet during conference when I stayed up late constructing this:

I think I may have to make more pinwheels to fill it out, but it looks pretty good so far, considering that I had to make a makeshift wreath form with a wire hanger and sew all the pinwheels on by hand! I used newspaper from The Oregonian which my mom sent as packing material in a box. Little did I notice one of the images showing on the wreath.

Experience

"We wake and find ourselves on a stair; there are stairs below us, which we seem to have ascended, and there are stairs above us, many a one, which go upward and out of sight.... Sleep lingers all our lifetime about our eyes, as night hovers all day in the boughs of the fir-tree. All things swim and glitter. Our life is not so much threatened as our perception." Emerson.

White Personality

Speaking of other things I like: I present "History sticks to our feet" by Modest Mouse of their newest ep "No one's first and you're next." Think of it in terms of what I said about nostalgia.

At the movies

,

eyes iced over
Walking sideways, through the gutters
And you realize that the floor sticks to your feet like history
Don't you look at me like life don't hold you any mystery
Bag of splinters boiling over, on your back expose your belly
Optimism doesn't change the facts, just what you're gonna see

Like it was stated that we're walking salt and coal
Plants solidify sunshine; how this started, I don't know
Causing feet and entire chain shoe stores
The sun's diary pulled up from deep canary holes
And when we read it, our skin, it becomes warm

At the movies, eyes iced over
Walking sideways, through the gutters
And you realize that the floor sticks to your feet, your history
I'm gonna slap that look off your face like life don't hold you no mystery
All those red marks on our shoulders
Self back patting, homemade trophies
Well the past only exists as tiny bricks we burn to release all its memories
I've had enough with rolling boulders, I want more moss on me

Clocks to splinters but time goes forward
And when them tree drop leaves your feet collect their memories
I guess all us snakes find our tails pretty damn tasty!!

I heard you mention we're walking salt and coal
Plants solidify sunshine; how this started, I don't know
Causing feet and entire chain shoe stores
The sun's diary pulled up from deep canary holes
And when we read it, our skin, it becomes warm

At the movies, eyes iced over
Walking sideways, through the gutters
And you realize that the floor sticks to your feet, your history
I'm gonna knock that look off your face like life don't hold you no mystery

Kate Towers.

Has some gorgeous new pictures up on her website. If I ever get married want her to make my wedding dress. I love the pleats and I think I may incorporate them into a dress I am trying to finish this semester. And these photos make me miss Oregon so much!